Faithfully Lupe

You begin to wonder how you’ve made it through your days & nights without breaking down into tears in front of your friends, your co-workers & your family.

Maybe it isn’t even the tears they have to see to know you’re broken. The pain sometimes comes in the form of frustration or lack of consideration for what’s going on around you. You get so consumed in what you’re feeling that you don’t realize your pain is affecting those around you.

In just a few days I had managed get myself suspended from work & when I did, I left in a rage. Who’s fault was it really that I had been suspended for being late? Mine. I woke up in the days after our break up not caring about anything other than my own sorrow. I don’t even know how I managed to get dressed each morning.

How could i have gone from feeling the most beautiful love in the world to feeling empty & lonely. I just couldn’t put the pieces together. I racked my brain trying to figure out how I could change his mind, how I could convince him that I’d be ok with not having more children. But I couldn’t. I didn’t.

I found myself at home the day I was suspended from work staring at the tv. I wondered what the heck am I going to do now? I couldn’t get fired. I had to stop acting like the world & everyone in it had to stop while I figured out how to fix my broken heart.

My friend finally confronted me with the truth, telling me I was walking around angry & broken. Everyone around me noticed it. But how could I be happy again? I didn’t know how to ignore or shut off the pain.

Nothing around me made sense. I looked at how the trees & leaves blew with the wind. Any other time I’d look at that & embrace the beauty of nature. But during that time, I couldn’t. I went through many days just seeing black & white. My pain refused to see in color.

After that conversation with my friend, I realized how unfair I was being to those around me. I knew I had to shift my focus from pain to my work.

I kept busy in any way I could at work. Travelled a few days on business trips. That was a blessing in disguise.

One of my favorite places to be, whether sad or happy, is the beach. I did just that during a trip to Southern California. I was going to be down there for work and would only be 20 minutes from the beach.

At the time, one of my best friends lived in the area & we had agreed to meet up for dinner when she got off work. As soon as I got into town I headed to the beach, since I arrived early & my friend was still at work.

I took my sandals off & walked to a quiet end of the beach where I laid my towel out & sat down. I listened to the sound of the waves for a while until I felt my heart clenching in my chest, I grabbed my headphones & listened to music instead hoping to get distracted.

It didn’t help, I had heard “Te Fuiste De Aqui” by Reik many times but this time, this one time when it came on my playlist, the tears came pouring out uncontrollably. We’d had our first date at the beach & id close this chapter of my life on the beach.

The sun started to go down, and as it disappeared so did my tears. That was the last time I cried for him. The last time my heart ached. It had been weeks but I was finally at a place where I never thought I’d be.

I’d be lying if I said that it was also the last time I thought about him, because it wasn’t. But I no longer ached from that day forward thinking of him, I was peaceful.

I stood up & faced the world stronger than ever before. I had my fairytale romance & I had it with no regret. One thing I never regret is loving & loving with all my heart.

Faithfully,

Lupe