Faithfully Lupe

It wasn’t like I woke up one day and said to myself “I’m going to fall in love today!” I don’t think anyone wakes up or even thinks that way. Because when you fall in love, it’s inevitable. It takes control of your emotions, thoughts & words…..it’s uncontrollable.

In fact, it wasn’t love at first sight. I was definitely attracted to him. He had a way of speaking to people that I think it’s easy for anyone who meets him to like him.

But after that weekend at the beach it was so hard not to smile and feel like I was walking on clouds, I was in love. I wondered what I looked like to everyone else. My friends would tell me that they could see my happiness, “You deserve it, I can see your happiness & by the way you talk, I think you’ve met The One.”

I felt like I had finally met “The One.” The one I had been praying for, and left in God’s hands. Every phone call from him started the same “Hey beautiful.” I finally felt beautiful not because of what I looked like on the outside but because of everything I felt inside of me, he made sure I wouldn’t feel anything less than beautiful by his actions & words. Everytime I heard those words I had the biggest smile ever.

Valentines Day was nothing short of sweet. I made the 45 minute drive to his place & when he opened the door I ran into his arms! As he sat down to open his gift on his couch, I sat with my legs wrapped around his waist & kissed him. I didn’t want to stop, but I was so excited for him to see the gift I’d bought him.

We had a previous conversation about backing each other up with our goals. We both had high hopes for one another & our own goals. So I had made it to the Christian Store & bought a simple but meaningful figurine with a man sitting down & a woman embracing him from the back. The card that followed along with it said everything I felt inside.

He gave me a look of disbelief but joy as he opened it. I’m not going to lie, I think the sucker was holding back a few tears. He stood up, grabbed me by my hand & led me to his bedroom where there lay a giant stuffed teddy bear that was no doubt bigger than me. I ran to it like a teenage girl & hugged it tightly as I gave him a big smile that was probably the size of the teddy bear.

There was no way anybody was going to take my joy from me. There was absolutely no way I was ready to let love go.

I never imagined that weeks later, we would be standing in my driveway as I cried my eyes out begging him not to leave, not to do this to me, to not break my heart. I never imagined that would be the last time I saw him. The pain I felt that night was like a thousand knives piercing my heart.

He said to me “You may not see it now, but I am making the right decision for you. I can’t be selfish & ask you to stay with me. If I see you sometime in the future and our paths cross, I’ll smile because I know it was the right thing.”

So many emotions ran through me that night with sadness being the most powerful but anger followed close behind. Out of that anger one of the things I found myself telling him was “No, I made it this far in my life & I can make it many years more with out you. I don’t need you.”

He stood quietly, and still I said so many things trying to find something to say that would change his mind. “Please don’t tell me that I’ll be better off, how can I be better off without you in my life?” It was about 1am by that point and the night was cold & dark. No car drove by, no traffic sounds, just the sound of my tears hitting the pavement filled night.

“I know you want more children, but I don’t. I’m at a point in my life that I cannot focus on growing a family. I want my career to grow,” he would say to me.

The only thing I could think of to reply is “If you don’t want anymore children that’s ok, I’ll take a bigger closet, a bigger house!”

He shook his head & said “I saw the look in your eyes when I said I didn’t want anymore children & I can’t change that, because years from now you’ll resent me for it.”

The pain I felt can only be described as if I felt my heart breaking inside my chest piece by piece. It hurt me to think that I knew that this was the end that I would go on with my life but he wouldn’t be a part of it, and I wouldn’t be a part of his.

He was a simple & determined man. When he made a decision, I knew & had seen first hand there was nothing that would change his mind.

We were like a fire that quickly burned out, our love from the beginning was immense but all it took was a drop of rain to put us out.

Finally, I looked up at him & I asked him “can you give me one last kiss?” with hope that kiss was filled with magic & I would wake up from the horrible dream I was having.

He looked me in the eyes & said “I’m sorry” and kissed me on the lips for the last time.

I turned my back to walk inside my house but didn’t move. I didn’t hear the sound of his truck starting or him driving away, I knew he never looked back, not even for a second. I turned back around to stare at the empty street: his truck & him both gone.

I dropped to the floor since I no longer felt the strength in my legs to be standing & covered my face as my tears filled my eyes & rushed down my cheeks. I wept for what felt like forever.

I don’t know how I found strength to stand & walk into my house & put myself to bed.

The next day, I knew the weeks to follow were going to be anything but smiles & love.

Still feeling the sting of the pain, I walked around in a world I saw only as gloomy, even if the sun was shining I refused to see it.